We Are Number One
by Le MAO XXV
Summary: Cinder apparently believes that Emerald, Mercury, and Neo haven't been living up to the standards of villainy. Therefore, she recruits the perfect man to teach them: Robbie Rotten! Watch as this villain of laziness teaches these three noobs how to be a proper villain! (Warning: musical number inbound. You have been warned!) (Parody crossover) (RIP Stefán Karl Stefánsson T T)


**A/N: Just something I wanted to do ever since I saw the "We Are Number One" Lazytown video. To honor Stefán Karl Stefánsson. Aka, Lazytown's Robbie Rotten.**

* * *

 _ **EDIT (August 22, 2018; 1:45 AM): I've added this edit to inform you that Stefán Karl Stefánsson, aka Robbie Rotten of Lazytown, has passed away yesterday. He unfortunately lost his battle to cancer, and he will be missed. My prayers go out to Stefán's family in their time of grief. May he rest in peace.**_

 _ **RIP Stefán Karl Stefánsson**_

 _ **July 10, 1975 - August 21, 2018**_

* * *

"This is unacceptable!"

Cinder, Mercury, Emerald and Neo were currently in an empty classroom.

The fire woman was ranting and pacing.

Mercury and Emerald were standing at attention, confused.

And Neo was just chilling in an empty seat, content to ignore the ranting woman. Because she's chill like that.

And bae. Very bae.

"Um, not to question you Cinder," Emerald began. "But why am I here?"

"And me too, right?" Mercury asked.

"No, you being here makes sense."

"You know I'm awesome."

"I don't, actually."

"Silence your stupid romantic squabble!" Cinder shouted. "The fans ship you two enough as it is!"

"Fans?" they asked.

Cinder facepalmed. "Wonderful. I'm so angry at your failures that I'm breaking the fourth wall. I hope you're proud of yourselves."

 **BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL, HUH? WELCOME TO THE CLUB! LED BY OUR LOVABLE, EXTREMELY ANNOYING, AND BASICALLY IMMORTAL LEADER!**

"Oh?" Mercury asked. "Who?"

 **DEADPOOL, OF COURSE! HE ALSO HAS PINKIE PIE AS HIS ASSISTANT.**

"And Pinkie Pie is-?"

 **A TALKING PINK PONY.**

...

...

"I'm not joining," Cinder said.

 **TOO LATE. ANYONE WHO BREAKS THE FOURTH WALL IS AN AUTOMATIC MEMBER! WHETHER THEY LIKE IT OR NOT.**

"Son of a...never mind. I'll address that later."

Cinder crossed her arms. "I've called you three here because you all have not been living up to to the standards that I've set as a villain."

 **DO YOU EVEN** _ **KNOW**_ **WHAT THOSE STANDARDS ARE?**

"Of course," Cinder smirked. "After all, I _am_ the greatest villain of this show."

...

...

 **MEH.**

Cinder's eyes narrowed. "What do you mean 'meh'?"

 **EXACTLY THAT. MEH. AS IN, YOU'RE ONLY AN AVERAGE VILLAIN.**

"What?! Name one villain better than me!"

Neo pointed at herself.

"Better. Not more popular."

Neo thought about it...

 **ROMAN.**

"W-What?!"

 **YEAH. HE HAS A MORE LIKEABLE PERSONALITY, ACTUALLY HAS A REAL MOTIVE BEHIND THE EVIL DEEDS HE DOES, AND ACTUALLY HAS AN ARCH NEMESIS IN THE GIRL WITH THE RED HOOD.**

"S-She's my arch nemesis, too!"

 **NOT UNTIL THE END OF VOLUME 3, SHE'S NOT.**

"Why you-!"

Cinder paused. Then sighed.

"We're getting off track."

Emerald and Mercury could agree, since they had no idea what Cinder and Neo were talking about.

"Now then," Cinder continued. "None of you have been upholding those standards I mentioned. Therefore I have brought in an expert to help you three learn."

Emerald looked disappointed. "You're not teaching us yourself?"

"No. I hate teaching."

Professor Port barged into the classroom

"Tell me about it!"

He barged out.

 **DON'T WORRY. HE WON'T RAT US OUT. HE WAS JUST A CAMEO.**

Cinder sighed. "Right, well...allow me to introduce the man who will teach you four how to be proper villains."

She gestured to the door. "The one, the only...ROBBIE ROTTEN!"

A tall man burst through the door. He wore a two-piece suit of maroon and purple with gold pinstripes, formal shoes, and a navy blue shirt with cuffs and cuff links. He had fair skin, black hair, green-grey eyes, and a face only a mother could love.

"HELLOOOOOOOOO, MY NEW STUDENTS!"

Neo tried to run away, but Cinder held her in place. Mercury did the same to a fleeing Emerald.

"I leave them in your capable hands," Cinder told Robbie.

"Thank you, my dear."

Cinder moved towards the exit. "Have fun."

She left.

...

...

"Right then-." Robbie began.

"Yeah, okay look," Mercury interrupted. I don't know what Cinder sees in you that makes her think you even qualify as an actual villain, but-."

Robbie slapped Mercury.

"...Did you just-?"

He slapped the boy again.

Mercury glared. "Will you sto-?!"

Robbie slapped him three more times.

Emerald and Neo laughed at Mercury's expense.

"No, _you_ see here, Mr. Black."

Robbie began to pace back and forth.

"I...am a lazy man."

Mercury raised an eyebrow. "Doesn't you pacing like that say the oppos-?"

Robbie slapped him again.

"And it takes a lot," Robbie continued, ignoring Mercury's glare. "To get me out of my own home. Mainly, taking down my arch nemesis!"

He raised a finger. "However! Once I heard that there were people in need of being taught about villainy, I rushed right over!"

Emerald had enough. "Listen, I don't know why Cinder thinks you can actually be of any help in 'teaching' us, but-."

"Silence, Aladdin ripoff!"

Emerald blinked. "What?"

 **YAY! FOURTH WALL BREAK! ANOTHER MEMBER FOR THE CLUB!**

Robbie and Neo high-fived.

"Alright, no more dillydallying!" Robbie commanded. "We begin with one simple question."

He looked each of them in the eye. Are you a REAL villain?"

Neo nodded for herself.

"Popularity is good and all, but it doesn't make you a REAL villain."

Neo pouted.

Emerald crossed her arms. "And what do YOU think makes a 'real' villain?"

Robbie tapped his chin. "Well...have any of you ever caught a good guy? Like, a real superhero?"

"Do you mean a Huntsman?" Mercury asked. "Because we ready have those, and they're basically super-."

Robbie slapped Mercury again.

"No lip! Just answer the question."

They thought about it...

"Well," Mercury began. "Me and Em DID help our boss with the Fall Maiden. We managed to best her."

"Is she captured?" Robbie asked. "Do you have her locked away?"

"Well no, but-."

Robbie slapped Mercury.

"Then you haven't caught a superhero!"

Mercury rubbed his cheek with a scowl.

Robbie turned to Neo. "And you?"

 **I DON'T REALLY "CAPTURE" ANYONE. THAT WOULD BE TOO PERMANENT AND REQUIRE THEM TO BE ALIVE.**

She smirked.

 **I DON'T DO PRISONERS.**

...

...

"So none of you have captured a good guy?" Robbie asked again, ignoring Neo's statement.

They shook their head.

"Well...have you ever tried a disguise?"

Neo and Emerald immediately raised their hands.

"Oh? How so?"

Emerald spoke first. "Well, thanks to my Semblance, I can make people see what I want them to see. Ergo, make them think I'm someone else or not even there."

Robbie deadpanned. "...That's not putting on a disguise. That's a trick of the mind. You stupid little girl."

Emerald gawked as he turned to Neo.

"And you?"

Neo immediately transformed into her disguise for Beacon.

"...See, now _this_ is a disguise!"

 **DOES THAT MEAN I CAN BE EXCUSED?**

"No. You still haven't caught a good guy."

Neo pouted.

Robbie sighed. "Well, then. I can see that I _will_ have to teach you how to be villains!"

The three deadpanned and gave mock cheers (Neo' being expressed with a sign).

Robbie pulled out a musical instrument.

"What are you-?" Emerald tried to ask.

"Quiet! I'm trying to start a musical number!"

Emerald facepalmed. "Oh god, no."

Mercury shrugged. "Eh, I'll go along with it. I'm pretty sure we don't have a choice in the matter."

Emerald deadpanned. "Wonderful."

 **I CAN'T SING.**

"Why? Because you're supposedly mute or refuse to speak?"

 **NO. BECAUSE RT HASN'T CONFIRMED EITHER. SO FOR ALL I KNOW, I MIGHT GET SCREWED OVER AND HAVE A TERRIBLE SINGING VOICE!**

Neo paled in horror.

"Quiet!" Robbie commanded.

The three unfortunate 'students' decided to jus accept their fate so that they can get it over with and move on with their lives.

Robbie began playing the instrument.

* * *

 **(Cue "We Are Number One" by Robbie Rotten)**

EMN just stared at each other in confusion, Mercury picking his ear because he happened to be closest to the playing instrument.

This music really was terrible….

Therefore, they decided to make it better. Since, you know, they had no choice but to be a part of this.

 _EMN: HEY!_

Mercury, Emerald, and Neo began dancing to the better music playing, while Robbie stared at his own instrument in confusion.

EMN were now playing their own instruments, making the music better.

 _EMN: We are number one!_

 _EMN and Robbie: HEY!_

The scene changes to Vale, where Nora and Ren are shown sneaking around, seeing Robbie Rotten making a trap that involves a cage hanging in the air.

Nora gasps and quickly pulls him down with her to hide behind a wall in order to spy on the villain.

 _EMN and Robbie: We are number one!_

Scene goes back to the classroom.

 _Robbie: Now listen closely!_

EMN listened and followed as Robbie walked alongside the desks.

 _Robbie: Here's a little lesson in trickery!_

Robbie is shown teaching Neo how to catch someone with a handle net.

 _Robbie: This is going down in history!_

Robbie dials on his phone.

 _Robbie: If you wanna be a villain, number one!_

EMN fall down some stairs, landing near Robbie.

 _Robbie: You have to chase a superhero on the run!_

* * *

"You mean Huntsm-?" Mercury tried to ask.

Robbie slapped him.

"No interrupting the song!"

* * *

Robbie and EMN are shown hiding behind a tree as Ruby Rose skips by without a care.

"Go, go go!" Robbie commanded as he and EMN gave chase.

 _Robbie: Just follow my moves, and sneak around!_

Robbie and EMN hid from tree to tree.

 _Robbie: Be careful not to make a sound! Ssh!_

Mercury steps on a branch, making a loud crack.

 _Robbie: No, don't touch that!_

Robbie smacked a twig out of Mercury's hands.

Mercury is shown walking around, then suddenly falls for Robbie's cage trap from earlier.

He shakes his head in annoyance.

Robbie and EMN are shown setting up a trap involving a ladder and the handle net. Neo has the net, while Emerald and Mercury are holding the ladder up.

Robbie turns and gasps as he sees Ruby skipping by.

"Everybody get ready!" he commands.

Ruby jumps on a small wall and flips over them.

 _Robbie: We are number one!_

 _EMN: HEY!_

The plan ultimately fails, Robbie is in the handle net, and all are in a jumbled mess. Of which involves Emerald somehow being stuck between the ladder, Robbie bumbling around due to being stuck in the handle net, and Mercury laughing at them all.

Robbie tries a new plan and showcases his ability to disguise. He spins around rapidly and is now an old lady in purple clothing. Mercury and Emerald are in awe, while Neo shrugs, knowing she can do better.

 _Robbie and EMN: We are number one!_

Robbie tricks Ruby into walking her across the street. Robbie thanks Ruby and offers her a cookie. She blindly accepts and takes a bite out of it, only to faint due to the cookie being slightly poisoned. EMN are shocked that it actually worked.

 _Robbie and EMN: We are number one!_

 _Robbie: Ha, ha, ha!_

Robbie and EMN are shown back in the city, with the former carrying something.

 _Robbie: Now look at this net! That I just found!_

He hands EMN the net, who fumble with it for a bit.

 _Robbie: When I say go, be ready to throw!_

Ruby skips by again without a care in the world.

 _Robbie: Go!_

EMN throw the net…at Robbie.

He tosses it off himself in anger.

 _Robbie: Throw it at her! Not me! Ugh, let's try something else!_

He marches off, with EMN marching after him.

 _Robbie: Now watch and learn, and here's the deal!_

Robbie drops banana peels on the ground.

 _Robbie: She'll slip and slide from this banana peel! Ha, ha, ha!_

EMN happen to walk by and slip on the banana peels.

 _Robbie: *gasp* What are you doing?!_

The next scene shows EMN throwing the unconscious Ruby from the last skit into a cage and sneaking away, with Robbie ushering them to hurry up.

EMN takes Ruby into an abandoned warehouse and set her down.

Ruby is still unconscious, while Neo is watching her with a smile, laying on her torso as she swings her legs in the air.

 _Robbie and EMN: HEY!_

Another scene shows Robbie moving a large pink cannon into the area. Meanwhile, Nora and Ren on the roof of the warehouse, opening a roof door. Nora drops a cookie into the warehouse.

 _EMN: We are number one!_

 _Robbie and EMN: HEY!_

The cookie rolls down the pipe, onto and down Mercury's back, across the floor, then stops near the cage.

 _EMN: We are number one!_

 _Robbie and EMN: HEY!_

Ruby eats the cookie, and suddenly regains her strength…even though cookies are unhealthy.

 _Robbie: We! Are! Number! One!_

Robbie and EMN are shown goofing around with musical instruments and a bike-train thing.

 _Robbie and EMN: HEY!_

Ruby manages to get out of the cage in full view of EMN, yet they were apparently incompetent and chose to do something else.

Robbie is shown loading the cannon with a cannonball.

 _Robbie and EMN: HEY!_

That "something else" mentioned a second ago turned out to be playing soccer with Ruby.

Robbie sees them and is aghast. He attempts to stop them, but stumbles over a bucket. He kicks the bucket in anger….

Right into the cannon control pad.

I'm sure you know what happens next

 **BOOM!**

The cannon fires the cannonball, which hits Robbie, and both are sent flying as Nora and Ren look on in shock.

 _EMN: We are number one!_

Robbie screams as he is flying.

In another scene, EMN try to catch up to Ruby, but they fall into a pit trap.

 _EMN: We are number one!_

Robbie looks over to see who fell for his trap, and is shocked and annoyed that it was his own "students".

 _EMN: We are number one!_

Robbie and EMN are back in the classroom, the latter playing their instruments.

 _Robbie: We are number one!_

 _Robbie and EMN: Hey, HEY!_

* * *

Robbie looks at his clipboard.

"Okay, after careful review, I have concluded…that you three suck as villains!"

EMN were currently pulling leaves and twigs out of their hair.

"I mean, seriously! How hard is it to not fall for those traps?!"

Emerald growled. "Hey! We were doing just fine before you showed up!"

"Silence, Aladdin! Go play with your monkey, Boots!"

"That's Dora the Explorer, you idiot!"

 **YAY! ANOTHER MEMBER!**

Emerald groaned and facepalmed.

Mercury raised his hand. "Anyone mind if I kick this guy's butt?"

"Nope," Emerald grinned. "In fact, I'll join you."

 **AW~, YOU TWO ARE BONDING! SOON, YOU TWO WILL GET TOGETHER, AND THE SHIPPERS WILL BE SATISFIED!**

Ignoring Neo's nonsense, Mercury and Emerald closed in on Robbie.

"Stay back! I'll have you know that I have a very particular set of skills! Skills I have acquired over a very long career in villainy! Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you!"

"You're not Liam Neeson," Emerald deadpanned.

"And I thought you were lazy?" Mercury asked.

Robbie tried to think of something to say to get him out of this situation.

"...You two make a great couple?"

 **HA! EVEN HE SEES IT!**

Before Emerald and Mercury could exact vengeance on the lazy man, Cinder made her appearance.

"Ah, Mr. Rotten."

Emerald and Mercury cursed and stepped back, not wanting to anger Cinder in any way.

"How did they do?" Cinder asked.

Robbie scoffed. "They failed miserably."

EMN glared at him.

"Only the ice cream one has any chance of being a true villain."

Neo stopped glaring and beamed instead.

"Still hasn't caught a good guy, however."

She went back to glaring.

Cinder sighed. "Figures. Well, I thank you for trying."

Robbie bowed slightly. "Of course, my dear."

He straightened himself and his suit. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I must once again scheme to capture Sportacus!"

He quickly left the classroom in a weird manner.

…

…

Cinder sighed. "Damn it."

Emerald huffed. "No offense, ma'am, but I don't see how that man was supposed to help us."

"That is why you're an underling, Emerald."

Cinder moved. "No matter. It appears we have no choice but to continue as is. 'Wing it', as they say."

She smirked. "After all, what could possibly go wrong?"

* * *

 _(Months later)_

Cinder had a permanent scowl as she sat in her new attire, her eye missing and her voice all but nonexistent.

Neo was in the background, silently sobbing over the loss of her friend (and possibly love interest), Roman Torchwick.

Mercury and Emerald stood directly behind Cinder.

"W-Well, ma'am," Emerald began slowly. "A-At least you got the power you wanted…right?"

Mercury had a trollish grin. "Cinder jinxed herself."

Cinder raged.

* * *

Meanwhile, Robbie Rotten was watching it all on his TV, shaking his head in disappointment as he held a tub of ice cream called "Neo's Neo".

"And that's why they should've learned to be proper villains."

He ate a scoop of the ice cream.

"...Huh. It actually ISN'T poison. Go figure."

* * *

 **A/N: And there we go. Hope you all enjoyed it!**

 **Thoughts and prayers go out to the family of Stefán Karl Stefánsson. We too will miss him dearly.** **T^T**


End file.
